unclog this brain

2012—the year to cut off baad ties and make the effort to be independent

leeleepea — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 06:11:58 +0000

I find that the truth is that I can’t depend on anyone. This year, after I’ve done my duty of taking guests out I will never step foot into a club again. I have to accept the fact that it is not my scene. I end up feeling like a 10-ton truck just hit me every time I go home anyway and I don’t need that kind of reality check if I end up becoming negative anyway. I have to make my way on this earth alone because no one does care…I get things easy for pity purposes and that’s never long-term. The world is cruel but it’s your loss if you let it swallow you up.

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There are battles worth fighting for

leeleepea — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 18:11:11 +0000

While I spend most of my days conversing and working with other people it means I spend less time with my natural and comfortable environment. Being the non-confrontational person that I am with those beyond my comfort zone I usually opt to just smile or say it’s okay even at times when it really isn’t. Now I think, is this really the right way to live a Christian life? To say okay and to dismiss everything as forgivable isn’t exactly what Jesus said when he said give your right cheek or love your neighbor or something like that. yes, you have to forgive but you also have to correct them.
At home it’s easy to correct people. My mother, my sister, my third brother…just because these people are the ones I’m closest to but the rest are difficult to correct as well as most of my peers. I’ve definitely come to realize that people see me as nice because I’d rather not argue. Again this is because avoiding confrontation is just easier. I become awkward even when I’m just a spectator in fights and I want to overcome it. It helps no one when just watch idly by or cower in fear should someone push you over or correct your right. It’s not even about gaining power or control in a corporate setting anymore but duty to neighbor. If I was gravely wrong I’d want to be corrected because in the long run who becomes the fool but me? Who is seen as barbaric but me?
I talk about this now because I’ve seen what happens to parental figures who are too comfortable with their styles of passing comments to others BUT the person they are commenting about. It really goes nowhere and makes their children feel worse and want to detach themselves from their parents because they don’t understand the point. It sends out a message that you’re making fun of them rather than asking help from your other children to do the correction. I’ve been subject to this for 25 years and I still don’t understand if I should call it an act of parental neglect/laziness/ lack of care or just plain bullying. I write this now because I want this cycle to end in me.
I want to be able to help my friends grow towards becoming better people through friendly comments. And on the parental aspect of things I never want any of my kids to experience isolation, bewilderment and hurt just because I’m too busy with my favorites to care. Worse is that I just can’t muster up the energy to go through an argument to help them out. Kids are young and in their teens they become angsty. Fact of life and if you didn’t want to handle that you shouldn’t have had any.
Yes, I am angsty but all to remind my future self of responsibilities to come and on a related note I realize how much I love those I choose to fight with.

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to see positivity and breathe it

leeleepea — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 12:03:19 +0000

Emotion. I have it. I am an emotional being just like the rest of the world but I am too emotional. I just have too much emotions that multiply by the second but I have no means to dispense of it properly. Most of the time they get pent up and I rely on my few favorites to release all of it on. They usually get fed up and are probably tired of me at this point.
I don’t know what to do. I just know what I want and what I want is to let go of it. I don’t know if the right thing to do is just accept it and let it be or change my entirety. If you’re naturally emotional can you actually tell your feelings to go away? But doesn’t it just pile up and eventually want to break free like an angry Godzilla? what to do I really don’t know.
Maybe what I want isn’t all that clear. It’s what I don’t want that I can articulate. I don’t want too have a cloud over my head anymore. I don’t want to be a person that’s almost bipolar, having feelings polarizing each other in different environments. Extremely happy amongst friends, sometimes family but then on most days just down and angry at home. I just want to be in the middle. I want to be okay even if it means not feeling exhilarated. I don’t want to cause pain, I don’t want to be crying by myself at night or when I’m alone. I don’t want to be misunderstood anymore.
I’m so tired of hearing everything negative about me from people who don’t even show any effort of trying to understand me. They just give you bullet points of everything ugly about you and then expect you to fix yourself with no explanations, no support.
If there’s something that needs to be fixed to achieve that I’d gladly do that but I don’t know where to start. Where do I go? Who do I talk to? What do I change?

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kindred spirits

leeleepea — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 03:49:07 +0000

Although rare, I’m glad that once in a while (even once in a full moon), I get too have time out with those rare friends that I feel are quite like me.
Yesterday I had lunch with Patti, a friend from elementary, although our closeness would not be established till our freshman year at college. I haven’t seen her since Feb and well you know what happens to girlfriends when they haven’t seen each other that long…they try to cram every gossip, every monumental experience, etc. In our case we had an hour and a half. We talked about every newsworthy detail, what’s happened to who and what’s happening to her. The one topic that would sink deep into our souls and make us rethink our perspectives though was marriage. We’re 25 and I guess the older we get the more our subconscious pushes that topic to our tongues.
To face the music, Patti and I are both hopeless romantics but the kind that don’t go out there. We’re too afraid to take that risk of embarrassment to have to admit to a guy or make the first move. We’re ideal about everything and even if we’ve bent some of our rules it’s still not enough. I’ve let go of handsome, smart and funny simultaneously. What’s important is he’s Catholic, gives priority to family, still smart and is at least pleasant looking. Still has to have a sense of humor though. I don’t want some stuck up guy that’s completely anal and overly serious. This makes me go back to what my cousin Sam and I had talked about and that was we would eventually find ourselves marrying some guy with “a past.” Someone who isn’t square and boring but is on the way to reformation. Most likely older than us as most boys our age are either square or too cool. Guys that are too cool need things good girls can’t put out and guys that are square make good girls that have swagger age to 100 in no time.
Maybe it requires a little effort from us. Maybe it just doesn’t work to wait for someone so chivalrous to sweep you off your feet and give you a sincere affirmation of their love. Maybe, maybe, maybe. With combined insights from two kindred spirits I don’t think we’ve given up hope yet. We’re still not about to go down that mainstream road that most girls take.

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Just when I thought I was about to move

leeleepea — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 17:55:05 +0000

I just realized that WordPress now has a Blackberry app. Easier access for my shy thoughts and dark commentaries that don’t need a large audience and guards my growing inner narcissism to fully be unleashed.

The truth is not everything can be said in 140 characters. There are emotions/experiences/insights/thoughts that have to be processed and thoroughly expressed.

I’m quite pleased I can continue my blogging through my phone. I’ll consider moving again when I’ve battled my this scattered brain of mine and have fully organized my every thought. Maybe a long shot but who knows?

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valentines 2011

leeleepea — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 02:36:12 +0000

I’m pretty sure i blogged something yesterday but it must have not saved…

Vday has had no real, personal or direct significance to me but 3 days prior to the even i wanted to singlebrate–do something atypical but FUN with friends.

I ended up having fun with the family, nephews and my niece.

Here’s to almost 25 years of no Valentine!

Islands by the XX (excerpt)

I don’t have to leave anymore
what I have is right here
spend my nights and days before
searching the world for what’s right here
underneath and unexplored
islands and cities I have looked
here I saw something I couldn’t overlook

I am yours now
so now I don’t ever have to leave
I’ve been found out
So no I’ll never explore

SEE WHAT I”VE DONE!

miss missing missed

leeleepea — Thu, 25 Nov 2010 08:36:58 +0000

i miss you blog!

pre-departure GEE-ters

leeleepea — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 06:05:51 +0000

I don’t want to leave tomorrow. I don’t want to go to Dagupan. It sounds like a hole.
Did i not stress that enough?

Me don’t want to work over there ya’all.
don’t want to go through 2 4 hour FGDs each day for 3 days

have i not been direct and straight to the point with that?
GEE-ters

What does it mean to work everyday?

leeleepea — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 04:07:09 +0000

Does it mean working all 9 hours each day?
sitting in front of your PC, typing, checking emails; walking about, taking phone calls, taking orders from your boss…

Does it mean tiring yourself every single day of the work week?
Fulfilling all tasks set for the day, meeting all deadlines, working full on, beating the stress and falling into bed like a deadbeat at the end of the day…

Does it mean refraining from breaks?
avoid lull times, dilly-dallying, chit-chattering, friendly smiles and pantry conversations and the occasional blogging/surfing while at work?

Does it mean going back to industrialization times?
????

to high expectations and self-image

leeleepea — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 14:00:27 +0000

Hello there.
I wish you didn’t have to set the bar way up there.
I wish you look within yourself and accept the naked truth
I wish you look at your mirror reflection and stand up to the person looking back

you know that acceptance is the key
yet by no means do you find a way to unlock these intangible chains
chains created by your own imagination
the same that bind you and keep you from taking control

it is pointless to ask why?
i know why, this is who you are
so fight it, fight because it is the only way
hence, i ask you when instead

when should come soonest
the earliest time so i could meet you in the middle
and you me in the exact half i walk towards you
when you are no longer high, but rightly in my middle